


Aquiver

by WindyQ



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gonkillu - Freeform, Has mentions and descriptions of Ki’s past trauma with torture, I don’t like my things ending sad cuz Ki deserves love 2020!, I’m very tired love me xd, M/M, Not Beta Read, Some fluff at the very end, be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyQ/pseuds/WindyQ
Summary: When he opens his eyes, and he’s no longer in the warmth and comfort of Whale Island. The water isn’t warm, it’s ice-cold and chilling his bones. Not enough to freeze solid, but enough to make his fingertips go blue and burn his eyes and nostrils. He can see his mother through the blurry watery cage, a proud disgusting smile on her face.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 9
Kudos: 81





	Aquiver

**Author's Note:**

> I started this project all the way back in late September, I started brainstorming then I mean, I started writing early October. A few weeks ago I posted a snippet of this WIP to my tumblr, and so yeah, this has been a long time coming, please love me. 
> 
> This contains lots of dark stuff on Ki’s past. There is some graphic detail on drowning/suffocation torture, please take care of yourself if that may upset you make you squicky or may frighten you.

“C’mon, Killua!” 

Gon is jetting off as soon as Mito has told them ‘Have a good time, boys!’; Killua following shortly after, leaving his shoes near the edge of the house.

Gon had flippantly kicked his own off, and they were in two different areas, but he was too busy rushing on to fix them, leaving Mito to put his boots next to Killua’s. 

“Today! I’m going to win! There’s no way Killua will beat me!” 

Killua quickly catches up, ignoring how all the dirt and rocks scrape against his feet. 

“Heh. Is that, right? Good luck, stupiddddddd!” 

The challenge today? Holding their breath. Easy. Killua could do it in his sleep. Gon claimed he could do it so much longer than him, but Killua doubts that. 

Of course. He hadn’t counted for one thing... 

—

—

It starts off fine. Easy enough. Killua closes his eyes at one point because Gon’s dumb face was going to make him laugh. 

But...

When he opens his eyes, and he’s no longer in the warmth and comfort of Whale Island. The water isn’t warm, it’s ice-cold and chilling his bones. Not enough to freeze solid, but enough to make his fingertips go blue and burn his eyes and nostrils. He can see his mother through the blurry watery cage, a proud disgusting smile on her face. 

And he watches her face become more distorted with joy as she proclaims things of how he’ll be the perfect assassin. Words he cannot hear plunged in water, but he just knows. 

Smiling twisted while he starts to struggle... his lungs start to beg for just the smallest reprieve of air. Just once puff of oxygen. It burns in his chest and his eyes sting, and he shuts them. Clawing at metal, clawing and clawing, fighting to try and break free from chains that bind him to the ground. Please. Every neuron in his body begs for air, and so he scrapes and fights adrenaline hot in his bones and cells. 

Until he can’t take it anymore and gasps, and water fills his lungs, and he feels like he’s dying, wanting to cough out water that doesn’t belong, but being stuck in it, chest aching and heaving and on fire. Hot fire coals burning from the inside out. His vision starts to go and the last thing he sees is her proud smile. 

Then he’s pulled up. He always is. 

Killua gasps, letting the air fill his lungs as he coughs, and scratches against the arms holding him. He claws flesh; it’s his only reprieve, yet he begs to get away because after this those arms would dunk him back under again. 

No. Even if it means slipping back in every muscle and bone in his body fights. He struggles, tears welling up in his eyes. Even though fighting means he’ll be punished more later. Even though begging means it will be even worse, he tries. 

“No! Please! I don’t want to go back under!”

That was a new record, right? It was good enough!

Please. Mother. 

Not enough for the heir they would say. No! He struggles and panics, adrenaline still pumping in his veins. Strong arms grip him, keep him upright and not sinking, 

“Kil-!” 

He pushes against shoulders, the world around him an endless blue, the sky and water were mixing in blurred vision. She was saying it again. 

‘Oh, look at how my little Kil has grown!’

‘Look at how strong he is!’

And she would raise her fan to give the go ahead. No. No. No. NO! NO! NO! He doesn’t want to! No more. Please. His limbs feel to tired to fight, fingers curling around his waist. 

“Kil-!” 

“Kil-!”

Shut up! 

He begins to sob, not even having the strength to sharpen his nails, to distort his body. He just closes his eyes. 

He was going to get punished for going unconscious, but he can’t help but find relief in the dark void before his torture would begin once more. 

—  
—

Killua wakes up alone and, grass and dirt and sand beneath his feet, that he squishes beneath his toes to regain a grip on reality. 

He sits up, drawing fingers up to his thin arms wrapping them around in attempt to keep warm. Water soaking and sticking his thin tank top to his lithe frame, hair dripping wet, some locks sticking to the side of his face, bangs clinging to his forehead. 

“Killua!” 

Pain stabs in his arm the moment he hears that voice, nails coming out and digging in his skin on instinct; Gon coming into the vicinity holding a makeshift bowl made of leafs. His hair had somehow already miraculously jetted back up, and there were small lingering scratches from his elbow to his wrist. 

Killua’s heart drops, his expression must have to because Gon looks down at the scratches before looking back up with a smile. 

“It’s okay! See it didn’t even bleed!” 

Which Killua finds odd since he had been so desperate... he had visualized digging into flesh, so he must have, but...

“Killua’s scratches are no worse than a little kitten who I saved! See both Killua and the kitten didn’t really want to hurt me! They were both just scared!” 

Killua buries his nails deeper for a moment before retracting them, ignoring how warm the blood feels dripping down and mixing with water. 

“Oh no! Killua!” 

Gon rushes over careful not to spill whatever is in that dumb looking bowl. He places it down gently, concern flashing in his eyes as he looks over Killua. 

“Killua hurt himself.” 

Killua doesn’t give any reaction staring somberly off into space, even as Gon tugs at his arms gently and looks them over. 

“The only reason you’re not hurt more is because I was weakened...” 

Gon stops looking over the puncture wounds, looking at Killua’s face searching for something the other boy can’t make out, as he tilts his head down to obscure it from Gon’s sharp eyes. 

“Maybe... I don’t think so, though! ...Killua was terrified...” 

Gon is too gentle in his movements, he looks around dark eyebrows pinched down, searching for something to wrap Killua’s wounds with. All while his own still remain visible. 

It doesn’t make any sense. It must be a trick. For him to want to wrap Killua’s wounds. Killua who hurt him. Killua who isn’t the perfect assassin. Killua who couldn’t beat him in holding his breath. 

He should be punished. He was going to be punished. He was going to be. They were going to force him back under. They were going to make him do it again... 

They always did. 

‘Oh. Kil. You did so good, but perfect assassins don’t convulse, and they certainly don’t retch when electrocuted.’

‘Once more.’ 

Once more... 

No. No. No. 

Fingers moving in the corner of his eyes. Ripping at fabric. They were going to gag him. No. No, please. It’ll be harder to breathe. He won’t scream, he won’t cry. He won’t. He won’t. Please. No. He’ll die. He’ll die. He will. It hurts. Please no more. He’ll do better tomorrow just let him go today. Please. 

Reaching out to grab him. Grab. Restrain him. 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”

He scampers back as much as his muscles will let him, arms drawing in towards his chest, teeth bared and eyes narrowed, a deadly look in them. A deadly look that was sheltering fear and tears. He lets dirt drag across his pale thighs, as he scratches back further and further, trembling. 

Gon freezes mid motion, hands outreached trying to help his friend. The cold breeze whipping and hitting his bare abdomen; having ripped his own shirt in order to bandage Killua’s wounds. 

Killua, amazing, cool, Killua. Voice wavering and cracking as he shouts, scrambles back and tries to play on the defensive. 

The look in his eyes doesn’t strike fear in Gon’s heart. It makes him feel sick. His stomach flips. Seeing his best friend. Perfect, beautiful, Killua. Killua. Frightened all over again. He had no choice but to keep it together the first time. If he hadn’t, they would have both drowned. Bile had risen in his throat, and anger had poured into every crevice in his body, sunk into every core root of him. The things Killua had screamed. How he begged. 

Gon had never truly wanted Killua to call him an idiot more than at this very moment. 

‘I’m from an elite family of assassins.’ 

‘Your face is a wreck!’ 

‘Killua’s isn’t any better!’

He should’ve done more than break his brothers arm. He shouldn’t have let Killua’s mom walk away so causally. 

He should have broken her damm face in. He wants to destroy them all. Killua. Killua. It should’ve been obvious. All the implications were there. Call him dumb, Killua, please. Don’t look with that terrified look. He wants to see you happy. Smiling. Not shaking in fear, tears spilling from his eyes and streaming down his face. 

Gon slowly leans over, placing the torn up bits of his tank top on the floor, ignoring the pain that slams into his chest when Killua flinches. 

He stretches his arms out, showing his palms, his empty hands. 

“I won’t hurt Killua.”

He wants to murder them. All of them. He buries the burning anger, the urge to march his ass right back up to that mansion and kill them. It didn’t matter to him if they were assassins, didn’t matter if they were way stronger than Gon. 

Killua’s stares at him with that broken look, like he is someone who is going to harm him for how many minutes Gon isn’t sure. He just offers Killua the most warm filled smile he can and doesn’t budge his hands. Not until a flicker of familiarity shines in Killua’s deep blue eyes.

He uncoils slowly, his lower lip trembling as he bites down on it. 

“G-Gon?” 

“Mmm!” 

Gon doesn’t budge, simply nodding his head, giving Killua a few seconds to recollect himself before he slowly takes one step forward. His heart breaks when Killua recoils. How Killua’s eyebrows push down, how Killua lowers his head, shame burning his skin. 

Gon pads closed, dirt, twigs, and stones a familiar warmth for his bare feet.

Killua’s are the opposite. The bottom of his feet scratched, bright red against porcelain. Killua didn’t grow up running around a forest, coming home to a warm home cooked meal. Didn’t come home to a hug, and safety. 

Killua’s stood back up, and placed a cold, calculated look on his face by the time Gon has reached him. He doesn’t speak, simply dragging his nails across his arms, making Gon frown. 

“Killu-“

“Guess you win. But I’ll get you next time, so don’t expect me to go easy on you, stupid!” 

Killua flicks his forehand, and runs off in the opposite direction before Gon even has time to react.

It’s deeply unnerving to him. How quickly Killua buries the situation and acts like he’s fine. How he was groomed into being like that, some perfect mechanical doll who feels no pain, even when he does. 

Luckily, Gon has the high-ground. He’s used to running barefoot across uneven terrain. Killua isn’t. He catches up to the younger boy, and grabs his wrist before he can go further. 

Killua goes ice-cold. 

“Gon. Stop.” 

Gon doesn’t relinquish his grip, instead trying to turn Killua around, his other fingers lightly pressing against the pale smooth skin of Killua’s other arm. His skin that is still wet to the touch, and still has blood smeared against ghost white, slowly starting to dry there. 

“Gon, STOP!” 

Gon slowly lets his fingertips fall from Killua’s arm, but his grip remains ever gentle, but unyielding on the boys thin wrist. He’s afraid of what Killua might do if he lets him go. Not to anyone else, but to himself. 

“Gon. Please. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Gon’s eyebrows narrow, his lips pressing down into a thin firm line. 

“Killua doesn’t have to talk about it.” 

He just doesn’t want Killua to do this. To act like everything’s fine. Gon isn’t his family. Aunt Mito isn’t his family. They won’t treat Killua like he’s some mistake. Someone pathetic for having emotions. 

“Gon, please!” 

Hysteria starts to worm its way up into Killua’s voice, clenching around his throat, making it hard to breathe, hot tears burning his eyes. He whips around, tugging his wrist out of Gon’s grasp, stumbling back, and ultimately falling. 

The ground scraps against his skin, tearing some pretty perfect flesh apart, but the pain is nothing to Killua. He grabs at the thin soaked fabric of his top, digging his nails into the fabric, breathing staggered and shaky. 

He stares at the ground, at every little pebble, and piece of grass, refusing to met what he assumes to be Gon’s angered stare. 

Of course, he would be mad. Why wouldn’t he. Killua’s just a stupid, selfish, monster. Who would want to be friends with someone so broken? Then he’ll accept it now. He’ll accept it and put these memories in a locket for when he goes back. That for a moment, just a moment he was something human. 

Gon moves, and Killua closes his eyes, and doesn’t flinch doesn’t breathe, doesn’t even think. He just accepts it. It will hurt less if he lets go now. Anything that happens he can handle. The pain. The sorrow. They make him a weak crybaby his family said. Well, they’ll be happy to know, once this is over. Once Gon has shunned him, nothing else will ever make him hurt more. He’ll be the perfect little puppet for them. He’ll leave Gon with a smile. Carved perfectly out and fake. He doesn’t want Gon to feel bad and keep him around because of pity. 

He can handle everything, except what he’s given. 

Warmth. Gon tugs him in, and his eyes snap open, and he inhales a sharp gasp of air that hurts his lungs. It’s a bone-crushing, his arms tight around Killua’s side squeezing. Killua's breath tickles his collarbone as he tugs him closer to his chest, and the younger boy shudders. 

Gon is warmth embodied. Despite his skin still being wet, and his shirt making Killua shiver, Gon is everything warm. 

He sobs. 

A small weak, whimper caught in his throat and torn out, as he clings to Gon’s shirt. 

Gon just grips Killua tighter, trembling not because of the cold, but because of the pure frustration and anger he feels, warm hot tears falling fresh onto his cheeks as well. 

“I hate them. I hate them for hurting Killua.” 

Killua stiffens, choking back a sob, and pulling back. 

His blurry gaze meets Gon’s and he snorts. Making Gon freeze. Killua laughs. He laughs, and it’s genuine and it’s like the most beautiful melody to his ears. The way Killua’s pink lips tug up, and his pearly whites show, even as tears still run down his face. 

“W-why are you crying, stupid?” His laughs mix with a sob, and Killua presses the heel of his hands into his eyes.

“B-because... I... I hate... them...” Gon chokes out, slowly becoming a blubbering mess. 

“I-I never want them to hurt Killua again.” 

Killua goes slack. His eyes go wide, and his mouth stays ever slightly agape, and Gon tugs him back before Killua can even argue and the boy squirms against his chest, his wet locks of hair that are starting to dry tickle his skin. 

“G-Gon it’s...”

Killua slumps against Gon, all the words leaving his mouth, tremors running up and down his body. It’s okay... words that die in his throat, as a heartbreaking sob tears from his lips. 

All the fear, pain, everything barreling out at once. 

“I-I... I don’t want to go back.” 

“It’s okay, Killua doesn’t have to.” 

Gon wipes away at his face furiously before he wraps his arms around Killua’s narrow frame once more. 

Neither of them specify what they mean. Gon doesn’t feel he has to. He’d never let them touch Killua again. It didn’t matter to him if Killua was talking about going back to the ocean or not. He knows that’s not it. 

He rubs gentle circles around Killua’s back, pressing his nose into Killua’s mostly sopping wet hair, all until Killua’s trembles start to ease, and he starts to sniff and choke, slowly regaining his composure. 

Killua shifts slightly and Gon peers down with a smile, Killua pulling away, wiping his forearm under his nose. 

Killua speaks before he does. 

“Are you done crying, stupid?” 

Gon pouts, puffing out his cheeks. 

“I dunno, is Killua done?” 

Killua pauses, sniffing, playing with the corners of his shorts. 

“Mmm... I just didn’t want you to feel left out, sobbing like a baby there.” 

“Killua started crying first...” 

Muttered under his breath. 

Although, Gon is happy about that fact. Killua always seemed to want to bottle things up. His heart ached at every loud sobbing sound that had escaped his friends mouth, but Killua needed it. 

His family would have never let him cry. 

Gon shuffles over, putting an arm under Killua’s legs before the boy can protest, leaping to his feet with a grin, the other arm resting on Killua’s back. 

“Gah! S-stupid! What are you doing?” 

Gon grins; they were going to be taking the long way back, after all! 

“Killua hurt himself, so I’m carrying him.” 

Killua huffs, rolling his eyes and pushing Gon’s stupid, smiling face away, by slamming his palm into Gon’s chin. 

“Moron! I’m an ex-assassin! I can-“

Killua breath hitches in his throat when Gon stares down at him determination flickering in those golden eyes. 

“Killua is hurt, therefore I’m carrying him, I don’t want Killua to be in pain. No matter how little.” 

Killua’s face burns, and he digs his nails into Gon’s shirt, hiding his face flesh against Gon’s skin. 

It was strange. It didn’t make sense. He isn’t even sure which wound Gon speaks of. He doesn’t get it. For someone to want him to not be in pain. It makes his insides feel all warm and fuzzy, and his stomach do flips. At the moment he’s glad Gon is holding him because he feels dizzy. 

Was it okay? Okay? For him to feel like this? 

“Besides! Killua’s as light as a little kitten!” 

He’s promptly drawn out of his thoughts. 

“Wha-?! Stupid! You can’t just say things like that!” 

His cheeks burn as much as his insides do, only increasing in their warmth when Gon laughs in response. He might have just torn a hole through Gon’s shirt. 

If Gon notices he doesn’t say anything, simply holding Killua as close as he can, taking brisk steps. Killua sags in his arms, his eyelashes fluttering shut. 

He wouldn’t be able to rest easy, not due to his training, but he was exhausted. Despite complaining earlier, some part of him was happy that Gon had decided to carry him. The part that made his heart beat fast that someone... someone didn’t want him to go through pain... and maybe, just maybe... he falls asleep later...

Possibly. 

**Author's Note:**

> Killua has a lot of trauma poor baby just needs love. 
> 
> I’ve had writers block for the longest time excuse me if this is really trash. Any comments and kudos are appreciated! Feel free to laugh at me even I don’t know how to write anymore this is terrible rofl. 
> 
> If you want to see me complain lol or! Just want loving Ki hours all the time cuz Ki deserves better! You can find me on my tumblr! http://windyqs.tumblr.com/ twitter! https://twitter.com/windsqs or on my discord! I also rp Ki there and I could always use more rp buddies or friends I am a lonely bean WindyQ#6831


End file.
